the state of the elderly

I hate to think of what lies ahead. I hope and pray I never need a nursing home. I have had a rude awakening to the state of care in this country for our elderly. Mom is running out of funds and we had to transfer her out of the luxury $5000/mo home to a Medicaid facility,. It is dreary, not secure and scares me. She is totally freaked out. I am afraid she will bolt and get hit by a car on US1. This all breaks my heart. We are trying to get her transferred. She is so lost. Yesterday I saw a rage in her that I have never seen before. Who could blame her? This is hell she is living. total and complete hell made of confusion and fear. and she can't communicate her thoughts well. How horrible for her. My hear breaks for this wonderful lady. She was at moments almost like an animal. I felt so sick inside.
We are kinder to animals. We put them gently to sleep when they are suffering. We won't do that for humans.

Emily.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLLktETGdCI&feature=plcp

dreamin of the smokey mountains

sometimes I post happy thoughts, really. Thursday I fly to Tennesee..I am so looking forward to the peace..the quiet..the whole sense of the place. and John.

alzheimers. the plague.

What do you wish for when your loved one has Alzheimers. When they can't say your name. they sort of recognize you as someone who visits, but ask no questions about your life, remember no details...have no frame of reference. My mother has had Alzheimers for many years. not really sure how to pinpoint when it began but its many years ago. She is 82 years old and lives in a very nice home for Alzheimers patients. I try to visit often. Sometimes I just can't bring myself to go.  It is hard to make conversation with her. She can't follow, she can't initiate, she can't add to a conversation. She is lost. I really miss her. She was bright, articulate and funny. and cute. Now she goes from meal to meal. she is gaining weight there. What else is there to do. She can't really follow movies or books anymore, which is cruel. She loved her book clubs. She can't really take care of herself anymore. She has lost bladder control, which was already a challenge after what we call her "big surgery"
She never wanted to live like this.
Alzheimers disease is a wicked, foul, disgusting joke on humanity. it robs dignity. it steals your life away. She doesn't remember her grandchildren, who were the light of her world. This year is full of more firsts. First holidays without her. She no longer remembers holidays, birthdays, etc. and she can't come to my house anymore. and she doesn't have a house anymore.
It's an empty feeling, when it is like a parent has died but their body is still alive. She can't communicate. At least she no longer remembers that she wants to.
She can still hug. and smile. I am grateful for that I guess. But I hate this life she is ending with. It is so obscene.

growing up

friends will let you down. it's all in how you handle it. years ago, tears ago...I would've held onto the hurt and let it be known. not so much now. Just add it to the list and remember it. but don't dwell on it.  growing up. Life is full of surprises, that is sure, and letdowns and disappointments...carry on. Let people go their own way and make choices based on their own needs, not yours. Very critical thing to understand. It has not ever been all about me.
and should not be.

5 and 21

february 2012. Emily will be 21. An adult. that is so hard for me to grasp. She's been my little girl forever. She's a young woman now, fiercely talented, fiercely brave, amazingly sharp and funny, brilliantly artistic, brash, cool as ice and warm as the sun. I admire her so much. She makes me laugh and cry and eat. Cheesecake with Emi is a holy experience.
and Jake, my little guy, will be 5 years old. No longer a baby. no longer a toddler. A little boy. He's smart as a whip, funny as his father, will big ideas and plans. Sharing life thru his eyes is extraordinary and exhausting and exhilarating, all at once.
Aj is in the middle, keeping me smiling and keeping an eye out for me. I adore him. My children fill my heart with gladness. 16, driving his own car, getting me ice cream and making me proud on the baseball field and in the classroom.
I must always remember that no matter how trying life can be, those 3 need me,love me, think I'm funny, know I'm goofy and are the greatest accomplishment of mine to date.

alzheimer's is a cruel joke

I have barely a relationship with my Mom now. It is so difficult to talk with her, you can see in her eyes that she can't process what you are saying. Everything has to be simple and directed at something she knows. Like my children. when I remind her, she remembers my kids. She is a shadow of the woman she was. I remember her days of being smart, opinionated, with a cute sense of humor. Old fashioned, yes, we didn't always see eye to eye, but we did many times. She was a go getter, and had strong common sense. Now she is childlike and can't remember much of anything. I wish I had asked her more about old stories of my grandparents. It's too late now. all that history is lost. She doesn't really remember my Daddy anymore. Tragic, the love of her life. She sees his photo and asks what happened to him. I wonder if she recalls my sister Teri, who died. I don't know. I don't bring it up.
I hesistate to spend much time with her and I know that is wrong. It's just exhausting. She asked me how many kids I have after spending a whole day with them. Her retention is zero. It's so unfair. I miss her laugh.

anniversary

yesterday was my wedding anniversary. and I attended a funeral. it struck me how alone I am at occasions like this. funerals, weddings, theatre events...the empty chair next to me was so apparent. I was sad..kept playing with my rings...it gave me comfort. while driving last night I asked you for a sign. the next song on the radio was an old one...signs, signs everywhere are signs....I laughed out loud at your choice.
Jake talks of you often now. He wants his daddy. I want him to have you.

life continues to be weird

so solitary.
wish I came home to an adult.
share the musings of my day.
I come home to a quiet house with sleeping children.
I lay in my bed and think lonely thoughts.
I wish for different things
I miss Emily.
grateful for the small things, like the way Jake thinks. how AJ makes me laugh. how Emi calls me to discuss coffee.

an old favorite. ah St Louis

Sarah McLachlan - Angel [Official Music Video]

empty chairs

"and I wonder if you know, that I never understood...that although you said you'd go, until you did, I never thought you would."
three and a half years since I have heard you laugh. since I've seen your face admiring your son. since you've held my hand.
so much has happened, so much has change. I hold onto the memories of the love and life we shared. of the good and the bad, the crazy...the drives up A1A, chinese food and barefoot, horses and baseball, grilling and eating, Uncle Thai's and mustangs. Flying to Nice to meet you..who does that? will I ever see Italy again? not with you. the coffee tour of London. Abbey Road. ridiculous.
honeymoons and hurricanes.
life on the ride.
life in love. with life. with kids. with our home. with our madness.
makes me smile tonight.
makes me cry.
makes me wonder why it had to be so brief.
once in love.
I remember.
empty chairs.
"never knew how much I needed you. never thought you'd leave. until you went."

http://youtu.be/jtrIc8vq7wU

there's no making it up

how to make it up to my children in so many ways. I never can, I have to stop thinking that way. When the rock of the family falls apart it makes everyone angry. That is the overwhelming feeling I get, everyone is angry with me. and I am at a loss. Now that I am strong again I can't fathom how these periods happen, but they do. I feel that I let them down so miserably. It really hurts.
if only Bruce was here to help me stay constant. I miss his total commitment. to me.
I wish I knew how to guarantee that it won't happen again. I feel that it won't. I have to be uber vigilant I guess. really so much so. I can't scare them again. never. 

3 years gone.

hard to believe it is three years since I've seen your face. heard your laugh. felt your touch. I started the day in solace, visiting your grave. sitting alone in the sun, looking at the trees just talking to you.
Then the day went downhill. my first husband felt that today was a good day to harangue me, even after reminding him that it was the anniversary of your death. He has little to do with me, except to sit in judgement of my mental health. I am so weary. He wants me to see my therapist more often. I want to be able to afford it. I am proud of my road back to health. He never expresses support, only criticism. Why, today of all days, did he choose to beat me down? 
I miss my man. I miss our life together. 
It is so hard to be so alone. noone to put on the line that says who to call in an emergency.
Noone to choose colors with me.
Noone to watch our son grow up with me. to laugh at his triumphs and his little four year old jokes.
Noone to hold me when I feel alone.
Noone to make me feel less alone.
Shoot me down when I am already melancholy. so sad and so cruel.
I wish I could go back in time. I'd be in London, or Portafino, drinking coffee and laughing by your side. holding hands in the Meditterranean. loving all day.
sleeping by your side.
I still leave room for you in our bed.

summer 2011

last night I thought I saw you standing in the doorway to my bedroom, beckoning me to come in.  I wasn't dreaming, I was in that late night sleepy place but quite awake. I sleep on my side of the bed, as if leaving you room to show up.  I remember the times you came strolling in in your tux, fresh from a gig, with stories of the lousy soundman, the great audience, the new song you tried. I miss those days. Waiting while you shed the tux knowing I'd be the beneficiary of your post show energy. A beer in  one hand, a story to tell and laughs to share. Now it's nearly three years you have been gone. How I wish with my entire being that we could be sharing Jake. When he does something unique I want to lock eyes with you and savor it. How cruel that you only had his first 17 months. How sad that I raise him alone now. He misses you, the idea of you. He says you have to sing 100 songs and then you can come back. Could you  please get started on that?

do I keep you in my stars?

Last night I watched "The Lovely Bones" with Emily. It wasn't a perfect film, but it had amazing imagery and ideas about the "in between", and how the girl can't quite let go of her ties on earth and allow herself to get to heaven. It made me think of how I see you above us in the stars all the time, how I feel you operate my car radio on occasion...I wonder, do I keep you here? Does my need for you impede your journey? Do I even believe any of that? I honestly don't know. I know it gives me comfort to think you are around me, that you somehow "know" Jake. Not in the way I want you to know him. I don't know. If I think about this all too much, I get angry because you aren't physically here. No amount of spiritual thought replaces hearing your laugh and hearing you sing and feeling your touch, I mean, really.

The Single Mother's Guide to Christmas

2010.The Single Mother's Guide to Christmas By Amy London: Decide to hang the icicle lights by yourself. You are woman. Get ladder. TEST lights. precarious experience on the ladder. done. Plug them in. One strand doesn't work. WHAT??? GO to Walgreens. Buy another strand. get back on ladder. swear a little. repeat precarious position on ladder. Plug in. ok new lights don't exactly match don't care. Ho ho ho.
(left out the part where you leave the hammer on the top of the ladder, get down, do something else, and then move the ladder. YES the hammer comes flying off...DUCK.)
oh and yes, on the day that you choose to do Christmas card photos, your 3 year old turns into a screaming, wailing, red eyed mess. This is the boy who ADORES taking pictures. Easy disposition. WHAT HAPPENED? He would NOT stop crying. it was hilarious. the pic above is an outtake, we did finally get one manageable image.

random november thoughts 2010

time is becoming a weird mix of very fast and so slow all within the same days. I am really so lonely for Bruce lately, maybe because it's his birthday month, maybe because his son is so amazing, maybe it's because I just miss him. Time goes by and I think of all the things I want to say to him. I so understand that kind of statement now with a greater depth and clarity than ever. so many things. we were being so brave, there is so much we didn't say. and of course I can't now. I can't tell him the gift he gave me, the gift of such complete love...the look in his eyes, always excited to see me, even at my worst. and he did see it all. How did I get to this place.

lonely for Emily too. glad she is in college but did it have to be so far away? I mean, really? She is my partner in crime.

Jake will be four on Valentine's Day. incredible. What a crime that he will not remember sitting on his Daddy's lap.

it keeps biting my ass

I knew I owed them money. I knew I'd have to pay them. in this new life of lawsuits, debts, debt collectors, bills, etc I had lost in court to Amex to the tune of $5600. what I didn't know was they'd garnish my bank account to go get it. I thought they'd send some official envelope instructing me where to send the money. not so much. they kept quiet and then when they tired of that- poof-my bank accounts frozen. including my daughter's. she's away at school and can't go to publix because of the mess of my former life. the dribs and drabs that remain and sneak up to bite my ass when I least expect it. When I am working three jobs and feeling productive and actually feeling more alive than I have in a long time...WHAM. not even given a chance to duck. that's playing mean. lousy lousy bullshit. I am so tired of this shit resurfacing...
they don't care that my husband died and I lost my house and I lost my business and I have three kids...they really don't. do I owe the money? yes. am I able to pay in the way I was before? no. priorities. I'd rather pay for preschool and groceries and college tuition and baseball. sorry. feeling like a big mess this evening. feeling like try as I might I will never dig out. and that's the way it is. Cooper City 2010.