alzheimers. the plague.

What do you wish for when your loved one has Alzheimers. When they can't say your name. they sort of recognize you as someone who visits, but ask no questions about your life, remember no details...have no frame of reference. My mother has had Alzheimers for many years. not really sure how to pinpoint when it began but its many years ago. She is 82 years old and lives in a very nice home for Alzheimers patients. I try to visit often. Sometimes I just can't bring myself to go.  It is hard to make conversation with her. She can't follow, she can't initiate, she can't add to a conversation. She is lost. I really miss her. She was bright, articulate and funny. and cute. Now she goes from meal to meal. she is gaining weight there. What else is there to do. She can't really follow movies or books anymore, which is cruel. She loved her book clubs. She can't really take care of herself anymore. She has lost bladder control, which was already a challenge after what we call her "big surgery"
She never wanted to live like this.
Alzheimers disease is a wicked, foul, disgusting joke on humanity. it robs dignity. it steals your life away. She doesn't remember her grandchildren, who were the light of her world. This year is full of more firsts. First holidays without her. She no longer remembers holidays, birthdays, etc. and she can't come to my house anymore. and she doesn't have a house anymore.
It's an empty feeling, when it is like a parent has died but their body is still alive. She can't communicate. At least she no longer remembers that she wants to.
She can still hug. and smile. I am grateful for that I guess. But I hate this life she is ending with. It is so obscene.