growing up

friends will let you down. it's all in how you handle it. years ago, tears ago...I would've held onto the hurt and let it be known. not so much now. Just add it to the list and remember it. but don't dwell on it.  growing up. Life is full of surprises, that is sure, and letdowns and disappointments...carry on. Let people go their own way and make choices based on their own needs, not yours. Very critical thing to understand. It has not ever been all about me.
and should not be.

5 and 21

february 2012. Emily will be 21. An adult. that is so hard for me to grasp. She's been my little girl forever. She's a young woman now, fiercely talented, fiercely brave, amazingly sharp and funny, brilliantly artistic, brash, cool as ice and warm as the sun. I admire her so much. She makes me laugh and cry and eat. Cheesecake with Emi is a holy experience.
and Jake, my little guy, will be 5 years old. No longer a baby. no longer a toddler. A little boy. He's smart as a whip, funny as his father, will big ideas and plans. Sharing life thru his eyes is extraordinary and exhausting and exhilarating, all at once.
Aj is in the middle, keeping me smiling and keeping an eye out for me. I adore him. My children fill my heart with gladness. 16, driving his own car, getting me ice cream and making me proud on the baseball field and in the classroom.
I must always remember that no matter how trying life can be, those 3 need me,love me, think I'm funny, know I'm goofy and are the greatest accomplishment of mine to date.

alzheimer's is a cruel joke

I have barely a relationship with my Mom now. It is so difficult to talk with her, you can see in her eyes that she can't process what you are saying. Everything has to be simple and directed at something she knows. Like my children. when I remind her, she remembers my kids. She is a shadow of the woman she was. I remember her days of being smart, opinionated, with a cute sense of humor. Old fashioned, yes, we didn't always see eye to eye, but we did many times. She was a go getter, and had strong common sense. Now she is childlike and can't remember much of anything. I wish I had asked her more about old stories of my grandparents. It's too late now. all that history is lost. She doesn't really remember my Daddy anymore. Tragic, the love of her life. She sees his photo and asks what happened to him. I wonder if she recalls my sister Teri, who died. I don't know. I don't bring it up.
I hesistate to spend much time with her and I know that is wrong. It's just exhausting. She asked me how many kids I have after spending a whole day with them. Her retention is zero. It's so unfair. I miss her laugh.

anniversary

yesterday was my wedding anniversary. and I attended a funeral. it struck me how alone I am at occasions like this. funerals, weddings, theatre events...the empty chair next to me was so apparent. I was sad..kept playing with my rings...it gave me comfort. while driving last night I asked you for a sign. the next song on the radio was an old one...signs, signs everywhere are signs....I laughed out loud at your choice.
Jake talks of you often now. He wants his daddy. I want him to have you.

life continues to be weird

so solitary.
wish I came home to an adult.
share the musings of my day.
I come home to a quiet house with sleeping children.
I lay in my bed and think lonely thoughts.
I wish for different things
I miss Emily.
grateful for the small things, like the way Jake thinks. how AJ makes me laugh. how Emi calls me to discuss coffee.

an old favorite. ah St Louis

Sarah McLachlan - Angel [Official Music Video]

empty chairs

"and I wonder if you know, that I never understood...that although you said you'd go, until you did, I never thought you would."
three and a half years since I have heard you laugh. since I've seen your face admiring your son. since you've held my hand.
so much has happened, so much has change. I hold onto the memories of the love and life we shared. of the good and the bad, the crazy...the drives up A1A, chinese food and barefoot, horses and baseball, grilling and eating, Uncle Thai's and mustangs. Flying to Nice to meet you..who does that? will I ever see Italy again? not with you. the coffee tour of London. Abbey Road. ridiculous.
honeymoons and hurricanes.
life on the ride.
life in love. with life. with kids. with our home. with our madness.
makes me smile tonight.
makes me cry.
makes me wonder why it had to be so brief.
once in love.
I remember.
empty chairs.
"never knew how much I needed you. never thought you'd leave. until you went."

http://youtu.be/jtrIc8vq7wU

there's no making it up

how to make it up to my children in so many ways. I never can, I have to stop thinking that way. When the rock of the family falls apart it makes everyone angry. That is the overwhelming feeling I get, everyone is angry with me. and I am at a loss. Now that I am strong again I can't fathom how these periods happen, but they do. I feel that I let them down so miserably. It really hurts.
if only Bruce was here to help me stay constant. I miss his total commitment. to me.
I wish I knew how to guarantee that it won't happen again. I feel that it won't. I have to be uber vigilant I guess. really so much so. I can't scare them again. never.