those eyes

yesterday I came upon a picture so randomly. happened to pick up a book I didn't recognize on my shelf. in it were all sorts of photos from the Milken archives, including one of Bruce that literally knocked me off my plate. It was a rehearsal photo and it was so alive. I miss that expression on his face. I miss him so much lately. Is this really possible that I will never see those eyes again? How in the world did my life end up like this?

bomb scare

what a world. can't we leave the jews alone already? drove up to pick up Jake from preschool today and the temple was surrounded by cops. bomb threat. unbelievable. I get numbed to all the hating in the world and then it rears up and smacks me in the face. It is disgusting. What kind of coward wants to terrify a preschool? of any faith?

where Daddy go?

tonight Jake asked me "where Daddy go?"  I mumbled something about Daddy having to go away. "did he go to his show?" God bless this boy.
my cousin asked me if I am ever not sad. of course I am. my kids make me laugh so much. Emily calls me a slut and it makes my day. all I need is to share a DQ blizzard with AJ and it's a great time. and Jake says so many funny things. it's really amazing.
no I am not always sad. but I am always missing him.

winter

Jake is potty trained.
Jake is 3.
AJ's in another season of travel baseball.
Emily is at FSU.
I am nowhere basically.
appreciating my friends, noticing which ones have pulled away from me and which ones have pulled me close. might not have predicted it correctly but it's interesting to note.
seasons change.
he's still not here.
I'm raising another child on my own. never thought that would be the case.
dieting now. I went from horrifically thin to tubby. saw Tovah's wonderful success on Jenny Craig and instantly joined her. it's not bad.
I hate HAVING to diet though. I resent it.
but nothing ventured, nothing gained. (or lost. ha ha ha)
I will feel better when I am again thin.

lonely is a life without love. I am lonely down to my toes. it's so hard to deal with. to reconcile. to get used to.

movies

I've started going to movies by myself. even when I could ask a friend, I don't. It's a grand opportunity to see a movie and have a good cry in the dark. Inevitably something strikes me in the movie, even in mundane films, that makes me cry. I am also keenly aware of the empty chair next to me.
last night I saw "All About Steve". ironic title..but that's another story.
cried.a lot.
there's a lot of empty chairs next to me in my life

early Fall

school has started. Jake is in preschool. AJ in 8th grade. Emily in college. My night are so so lonely. I really miss my life.
and what it could have been.
everyone is growing. except me.
so many things still not completed or dealt with.
the reality is so damn huge.
hate.

I'm trying.

everyone wants me to be "fine"- but what is that?
time goes by and I miss my life.
trying to find new things.
blogging for one.
found a young widows/widowers group in South Fla online. maybe I'll go to a meeting.
tired alot.
a real lot.
so many things I want to do. money is always the roadblock.

WIDOW IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

My husband died and I lost my mind. temporarily. everyone around me was aghast, they didn’t know how to handle my sorrow. My depression. They tried to cajole me. They tried to take over. They tried to tell me what to do. They meddled. I healed myself slowly, to the degree I could heal. I still miss him and mourn him everyday. I am lonely for him. For his love for his laugh for his life. I wish I had more time with him. I wish he had more time with me and with our son. Our two year old, who not remember him.
I start each day wishing he was here.
I end each day knowing he is not.
I lost our house.
I lost our business.
I lost respect
I regained some.
I feel alone.
I celebrate milestones with my kids, alone.
My hands are empty - no one is holding them.
I choose dinner, alone.
I eat red licorice, alone.
I handle the daily issues alone and I fall asleep exhausted from the experience.
I bought a puppy.
My ex ridiculed me for it.
Told me I couldn’t handle it.
Fuck him.
My eldest is leaving for college

I wrote those thoughts a month or so ago. Since then, summer vacation is almost over. Emily came home from school and leaves again on Sunday. Jake talks like crazy, sings, dances, jumps, laughs, takes a shower, peed on the potty - I just wish Bruce was here to share all this with me. It is so lonely when Jake goes to sleep. Noone to talk to . I watch a lot of marlins baseball.
Can't read anymore. It's weird. I used to read all the time. Now I have no concentration. No patience.

I hate life without Bruce.