do I keep you in my stars?

Last night I watched "The Lovely Bones" with Emily. It wasn't a perfect film, but it had amazing imagery and ideas about the "in between", and how the girl can't quite let go of her ties on earth and allow herself to get to heaven. It made me think of how I see you above us in the stars all the time, how I feel you operate my car radio on occasion...I wonder, do I keep you here? Does my need for you impede your journey? Do I even believe any of that? I honestly don't know. I know it gives me comfort to think you are around me, that you somehow "know" Jake. Not in the way I want you to know him. I don't know. If I think about this all too much, I get angry because you aren't physically here. No amount of spiritual thought replaces hearing your laugh and hearing you sing and feeling your touch, I mean, really.

The Single Mother's Guide to Christmas

2010.The Single Mother's Guide to Christmas By Amy London: Decide to hang the icicle lights by yourself. You are woman. Get ladder. TEST lights. precarious experience on the ladder. done. Plug them in. One strand doesn't work. WHAT??? GO to Walgreens. Buy another strand. get back on ladder. swear a little. repeat precarious position on ladder. Plug in. ok new lights don't exactly match don't care. Ho ho ho.
(left out the part where you leave the hammer on the top of the ladder, get down, do something else, and then move the ladder. YES the hammer comes flying off...DUCK.)
oh and yes, on the day that you choose to do Christmas card photos, your 3 year old turns into a screaming, wailing, red eyed mess. This is the boy who ADORES taking pictures. Easy disposition. WHAT HAPPENED? He would NOT stop crying. it was hilarious. the pic above is an outtake, we did finally get one manageable image.

random november thoughts 2010

time is becoming a weird mix of very fast and so slow all within the same days. I am really so lonely for Bruce lately, maybe because it's his birthday month, maybe because his son is so amazing, maybe it's because I just miss him. Time goes by and I think of all the things I want to say to him. I so understand that kind of statement now with a greater depth and clarity than ever. so many things. we were being so brave, there is so much we didn't say. and of course I can't now. I can't tell him the gift he gave me, the gift of such complete love...the look in his eyes, always excited to see me, even at my worst. and he did see it all. How did I get to this place.

lonely for Emily too. glad she is in college but did it have to be so far away? I mean, really? She is my partner in crime.

Jake will be four on Valentine's Day. incredible. What a crime that he will not remember sitting on his Daddy's lap.

it keeps biting my ass

I knew I owed them money. I knew I'd have to pay them. in this new life of lawsuits, debts, debt collectors, bills, etc I had lost in court to Amex to the tune of $5600. what I didn't know was they'd garnish my bank account to go get it. I thought they'd send some official envelope instructing me where to send the money. not so much. they kept quiet and then when they tired of that- poof-my bank accounts frozen. including my daughter's. she's away at school and can't go to publix because of the mess of my former life. the dribs and drabs that remain and sneak up to bite my ass when I least expect it. When I am working three jobs and feeling productive and actually feeling more alive than I have in a long time...WHAM. not even given a chance to duck. that's playing mean. lousy lousy bullshit. I am so tired of this shit resurfacing...
they don't care that my husband died and I lost my house and I lost my business and I have three kids...they really don't. do I owe the money? yes. am I able to pay in the way I was before? no. priorities. I'd rather pay for preschool and groceries and college tuition and baseball. sorry. feeling like a big mess this evening. feeling like try as I might I will never dig out. and that's the way it is. Cooper City 2010.

I've fallen through a wormhole into the Land of Disrespect

it's sensationally odd to have landed in the Land of Disrespect.  I've had an unusually long career, having started in this business so young..and I have never experienced this level of disrespect and disregard. it is absolutely jarring, unnerving, wrong.  I find myself journaling (by hand!) during rehearsal in order to purge some thoughts.  here's an excerpt:

...if I laugh when she says something cute I then feel like I shouldn't laugh because I am not the intended audience.  OMG this silence and exclusion is exhausting.  around 4:30 pm I laughed rather loudly at something the Music Director said and then felt completely self conscious, inappropriate etc.  It was REALLY funny. But again, my laughter isn't really welcomed.  I felt foolish and as if I had awakened in the wrong room. that makes me want to cry. so much energy wasted on a very tough room. 

then from another day:

...nothing that I do is right.  Trying not to be interruptive still seems interruptive to me.  Signaling 5 min. til break she finds startling. waiting til it is actually time to break and just saying so seems to bother her as well.  this is a no win. How about NO BREAKS AT ALL??????????

I want a t shirt that says "I can't , my feet are bound."

This work experience, this creative project/endeavor is so POLAR OPPOSITE to the one I just completed. One that I will never forget. Having the opportunity to provide two terrific actors with their professional debuts is so rewarding. the entire cast was perfection.The experience of directing SPEECH & DEBATE at Gablestage was fantastic. Joyful, funny, artful, challenging, skillful, delightful, insane and like magic. I am so fortunate to have had that, particularly as juxtaposed with the current misery. I cling to it, like a child to it's blanket.

"God done forgot about me"..The Color Purple

heard that quote in the play last night and immediately started to cry. I have felt that way so often. So instead I just try to affect change.
time goes by. missing him doesn't.
Jake is growing into such an amazing little person. He gets me.
Emily is becoming a beautiful young woman who is my dearest friend and also calls me on my shit.
AJ is my buddy forever and ever.
Nathan cuddles with me. I suppose all that should be enough. it isn't.

those eyes

yesterday I came upon a picture so randomly. happened to pick up a book I didn't recognize on my shelf. in it were all sorts of photos from the Milken archives, including one of Bruce that literally knocked me off my plate. It was a rehearsal photo and it was so alive. I miss that expression on his face. I miss him so much lately. Is this really possible that I will never see those eyes again? How in the world did my life end up like this?

bomb scare

what a world. can't we leave the jews alone already? drove up to pick up Jake from preschool today and the temple was surrounded by cops. bomb threat. unbelievable. I get numbed to all the hating in the world and then it rears up and smacks me in the face. It is disgusting. What kind of coward wants to terrify a preschool? of any faith?

where Daddy go?

tonight Jake asked me "where Daddy go?"  I mumbled something about Daddy having to go away. "did he go to his show?" God bless this boy.
my cousin asked me if I am ever not sad. of course I am. my kids make me laugh so much. Emily calls me a slut and it makes my day. all I need is to share a DQ blizzard with AJ and it's a great time. and Jake says so many funny things. it's really amazing.
no I am not always sad. but I am always missing him.

winter

Jake is potty trained.
Jake is 3.
AJ's in another season of travel baseball.
Emily is at FSU.
I am nowhere basically.
appreciating my friends, noticing which ones have pulled away from me and which ones have pulled me close. might not have predicted it correctly but it's interesting to note.
seasons change.
he's still not here.
I'm raising another child on my own. never thought that would be the case.
dieting now. I went from horrifically thin to tubby. saw Tovah's wonderful success on Jenny Craig and instantly joined her. it's not bad.
I hate HAVING to diet though. I resent it.
but nothing ventured, nothing gained. (or lost. ha ha ha)
I will feel better when I am again thin.

lonely is a life without love. I am lonely down to my toes. it's so hard to deal with. to reconcile. to get used to.