the state of the elderly

I hate to think of what lies ahead. I hope and pray I never need a nursing home. I have had a rude awakening to the state of care in this country for our elderly. Mom is running out of funds and we had to transfer her out of the luxury $5000/mo home to a Medicaid facility,. It is dreary, not secure and scares me. She is totally freaked out. I am afraid she will bolt and get hit by a car on US1. This all breaks my heart. We are trying to get her transferred. She is so lost. Yesterday I saw a rage in her that I have never seen before. Who could blame her? This is hell she is living. total and complete hell made of confusion and fear. and she can't communicate her thoughts well. How horrible for her. My hear breaks for this wonderful lady. She was at moments almost like an animal. I felt so sick inside.
We are kinder to animals. We put them gently to sleep when they are suffering. We won't do that for humans.

Emily.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLLktETGdCI&feature=plcp

dreamin of the smokey mountains

sometimes I post happy thoughts, really. Thursday I fly to Tennesee..I am so looking forward to the peace..the quiet..the whole sense of the place. and John.

alzheimers. the plague.

What do you wish for when your loved one has Alzheimers. When they can't say your name. they sort of recognize you as someone who visits, but ask no questions about your life, remember no details...have no frame of reference. My mother has had Alzheimers for many years. not really sure how to pinpoint when it began but its many years ago. She is 82 years old and lives in a very nice home for Alzheimers patients. I try to visit often. Sometimes I just can't bring myself to go.  It is hard to make conversation with her. She can't follow, she can't initiate, she can't add to a conversation. She is lost. I really miss her. She was bright, articulate and funny. and cute. Now she goes from meal to meal. she is gaining weight there. What else is there to do. She can't really follow movies or books anymore, which is cruel. She loved her book clubs. She can't really take care of herself anymore. She has lost bladder control, which was already a challenge after what we call her "big surgery"
She never wanted to live like this.
Alzheimers disease is a wicked, foul, disgusting joke on humanity. it robs dignity. it steals your life away. She doesn't remember her grandchildren, who were the light of her world. This year is full of more firsts. First holidays without her. She no longer remembers holidays, birthdays, etc. and she can't come to my house anymore. and she doesn't have a house anymore.
It's an empty feeling, when it is like a parent has died but their body is still alive. She can't communicate. At least she no longer remembers that she wants to.
She can still hug. and smile. I am grateful for that I guess. But I hate this life she is ending with. It is so obscene.

growing up

friends will let you down. it's all in how you handle it. years ago, tears ago...I would've held onto the hurt and let it be known. not so much now. Just add it to the list and remember it. but don't dwell on it.  growing up. Life is full of surprises, that is sure, and letdowns and disappointments...carry on. Let people go their own way and make choices based on their own needs, not yours. Very critical thing to understand. It has not ever been all about me.
and should not be.

5 and 21

february 2012. Emily will be 21. An adult. that is so hard for me to grasp. She's been my little girl forever. She's a young woman now, fiercely talented, fiercely brave, amazingly sharp and funny, brilliantly artistic, brash, cool as ice and warm as the sun. I admire her so much. She makes me laugh and cry and eat. Cheesecake with Emi is a holy experience.
and Jake, my little guy, will be 5 years old. No longer a baby. no longer a toddler. A little boy. He's smart as a whip, funny as his father, will big ideas and plans. Sharing life thru his eyes is extraordinary and exhausting and exhilarating, all at once.
Aj is in the middle, keeping me smiling and keeping an eye out for me. I adore him. My children fill my heart with gladness. 16, driving his own car, getting me ice cream and making me proud on the baseball field and in the classroom.
I must always remember that no matter how trying life can be, those 3 need me,love me, think I'm funny, know I'm goofy and are the greatest accomplishment of mine to date.

alzheimer's is a cruel joke

I have barely a relationship with my Mom now. It is so difficult to talk with her, you can see in her eyes that she can't process what you are saying. Everything has to be simple and directed at something she knows. Like my children. when I remind her, she remembers my kids. She is a shadow of the woman she was. I remember her days of being smart, opinionated, with a cute sense of humor. Old fashioned, yes, we didn't always see eye to eye, but we did many times. She was a go getter, and had strong common sense. Now she is childlike and can't remember much of anything. I wish I had asked her more about old stories of my grandparents. It's too late now. all that history is lost. She doesn't really remember my Daddy anymore. Tragic, the love of her life. She sees his photo and asks what happened to him. I wonder if she recalls my sister Teri, who died. I don't know. I don't bring it up.
I hesistate to spend much time with her and I know that is wrong. It's just exhausting. She asked me how many kids I have after spending a whole day with them. Her retention is zero. It's so unfair. I miss her laugh.

anniversary

yesterday was my wedding anniversary. and I attended a funeral. it struck me how alone I am at occasions like this. funerals, weddings, theatre events...the empty chair next to me was so apparent. I was sad..kept playing with my rings...it gave me comfort. while driving last night I asked you for a sign. the next song on the radio was an old one...signs, signs everywhere are signs....I laughed out loud at your choice.
Jake talks of you often now. He wants his daddy. I want him to have you.

life continues to be weird

so solitary.
wish I came home to an adult.
share the musings of my day.
I come home to a quiet house with sleeping children.
I lay in my bed and think lonely thoughts.
I wish for different things
I miss Emily.
grateful for the small things, like the way Jake thinks. how AJ makes me laugh. how Emi calls me to discuss coffee.

an old favorite. ah St Louis