http://youtu.be/jtrIc8vq7wU

there's no making it up

how to make it up to my children in so many ways. I never can, I have to stop thinking that way. When the rock of the family falls apart it makes everyone angry. That is the overwhelming feeling I get, everyone is angry with me. and I am at a loss. Now that I am strong again I can't fathom how these periods happen, but they do. I feel that I let them down so miserably. It really hurts.
if only Bruce was here to help me stay constant. I miss his total commitment. to me.
I wish I knew how to guarantee that it won't happen again. I feel that it won't. I have to be uber vigilant I guess. really so much so. I can't scare them again. never. 

3 years gone.

hard to believe it is three years since I've seen your face. heard your laugh. felt your touch. I started the day in solace, visiting your grave. sitting alone in the sun, looking at the trees just talking to you.
Then the day went downhill. my first husband felt that today was a good day to harangue me, even after reminding him that it was the anniversary of your death. He has little to do with me, except to sit in judgement of my mental health. I am so weary. He wants me to see my therapist more often. I want to be able to afford it. I am proud of my road back to health. He never expresses support, only criticism. Why, today of all days, did he choose to beat me down? 
I miss my man. I miss our life together. 
It is so hard to be so alone. noone to put on the line that says who to call in an emergency.
Noone to choose colors with me.
Noone to watch our son grow up with me. to laugh at his triumphs and his little four year old jokes.
Noone to hold me when I feel alone.
Noone to make me feel less alone.
Shoot me down when I am already melancholy. so sad and so cruel.
I wish I could go back in time. I'd be in London, or Portafino, drinking coffee and laughing by your side. holding hands in the Meditterranean. loving all day.
sleeping by your side.
I still leave room for you in our bed.

summer 2011

last night I thought I saw you standing in the doorway to my bedroom, beckoning me to come in.  I wasn't dreaming, I was in that late night sleepy place but quite awake. I sleep on my side of the bed, as if leaving you room to show up.  I remember the times you came strolling in in your tux, fresh from a gig, with stories of the lousy soundman, the great audience, the new song you tried. I miss those days. Waiting while you shed the tux knowing I'd be the beneficiary of your post show energy. A beer in  one hand, a story to tell and laughs to share. Now it's nearly three years you have been gone. How I wish with my entire being that we could be sharing Jake. When he does something unique I want to lock eyes with you and savor it. How cruel that you only had his first 17 months. How sad that I raise him alone now. He misses you, the idea of you. He says you have to sing 100 songs and then you can come back. Could you  please get started on that?

do I keep you in my stars?

Last night I watched "The Lovely Bones" with Emily. It wasn't a perfect film, but it had amazing imagery and ideas about the "in between", and how the girl can't quite let go of her ties on earth and allow herself to get to heaven. It made me think of how I see you above us in the stars all the time, how I feel you operate my car radio on occasion...I wonder, do I keep you here? Does my need for you impede your journey? Do I even believe any of that? I honestly don't know. I know it gives me comfort to think you are around me, that you somehow "know" Jake. Not in the way I want you to know him. I don't know. If I think about this all too much, I get angry because you aren't physically here. No amount of spiritual thought replaces hearing your laugh and hearing you sing and feeling your touch, I mean, really.

The Single Mother's Guide to Christmas

2010.The Single Mother's Guide to Christmas By Amy London: Decide to hang the icicle lights by yourself. You are woman. Get ladder. TEST lights. precarious experience on the ladder. done. Plug them in. One strand doesn't work. WHAT??? GO to Walgreens. Buy another strand. get back on ladder. swear a little. repeat precarious position on ladder. Plug in. ok new lights don't exactly match don't care. Ho ho ho.
(left out the part where you leave the hammer on the top of the ladder, get down, do something else, and then move the ladder. YES the hammer comes flying off...DUCK.)
oh and yes, on the day that you choose to do Christmas card photos, your 3 year old turns into a screaming, wailing, red eyed mess. This is the boy who ADORES taking pictures. Easy disposition. WHAT HAPPENED? He would NOT stop crying. it was hilarious. the pic above is an outtake, we did finally get one manageable image.

random november thoughts 2010

time is becoming a weird mix of very fast and so slow all within the same days. I am really so lonely for Bruce lately, maybe because it's his birthday month, maybe because his son is so amazing, maybe it's because I just miss him. Time goes by and I think of all the things I want to say to him. I so understand that kind of statement now with a greater depth and clarity than ever. so many things. we were being so brave, there is so much we didn't say. and of course I can't now. I can't tell him the gift he gave me, the gift of such complete love...the look in his eyes, always excited to see me, even at my worst. and he did see it all. How did I get to this place.

lonely for Emily too. glad she is in college but did it have to be so far away? I mean, really? She is my partner in crime.

Jake will be four on Valentine's Day. incredible. What a crime that he will not remember sitting on his Daddy's lap.

it keeps biting my ass

I knew I owed them money. I knew I'd have to pay them. in this new life of lawsuits, debts, debt collectors, bills, etc I had lost in court to Amex to the tune of $5600. what I didn't know was they'd garnish my bank account to go get it. I thought they'd send some official envelope instructing me where to send the money. not so much. they kept quiet and then when they tired of that- poof-my bank accounts frozen. including my daughter's. she's away at school and can't go to publix because of the mess of my former life. the dribs and drabs that remain and sneak up to bite my ass when I least expect it. When I am working three jobs and feeling productive and actually feeling more alive than I have in a long time...WHAM. not even given a chance to duck. that's playing mean. lousy lousy bullshit. I am so tired of this shit resurfacing...
they don't care that my husband died and I lost my house and I lost my business and I have three kids...they really don't. do I owe the money? yes. am I able to pay in the way I was before? no. priorities. I'd rather pay for preschool and groceries and college tuition and baseball. sorry. feeling like a big mess this evening. feeling like try as I might I will never dig out. and that's the way it is. Cooper City 2010.

I've fallen through a wormhole into the Land of Disrespect

it's sensationally odd to have landed in the Land of Disrespect.  I've had an unusually long career, having started in this business so young..and I have never experienced this level of disrespect and disregard. it is absolutely jarring, unnerving, wrong.  I find myself journaling (by hand!) during rehearsal in order to purge some thoughts.  here's an excerpt:

...if I laugh when she says something cute I then feel like I shouldn't laugh because I am not the intended audience.  OMG this silence and exclusion is exhausting.  around 4:30 pm I laughed rather loudly at something the Music Director said and then felt completely self conscious, inappropriate etc.  It was REALLY funny. But again, my laughter isn't really welcomed.  I felt foolish and as if I had awakened in the wrong room. that makes me want to cry. so much energy wasted on a very tough room. 

then from another day:

...nothing that I do is right.  Trying not to be interruptive still seems interruptive to me.  Signaling 5 min. til break she finds startling. waiting til it is actually time to break and just saying so seems to bother her as well.  this is a no win. How about NO BREAKS AT ALL??????????

I want a t shirt that says "I can't , my feet are bound."

This work experience, this creative project/endeavor is so POLAR OPPOSITE to the one I just completed. One that I will never forget. Having the opportunity to provide two terrific actors with their professional debuts is so rewarding. the entire cast was perfection.The experience of directing SPEECH & DEBATE at Gablestage was fantastic. Joyful, funny, artful, challenging, skillful, delightful, insane and like magic. I am so fortunate to have had that, particularly as juxtaposed with the current misery. I cling to it, like a child to it's blanket.

"God done forgot about me"..The Color Purple

heard that quote in the play last night and immediately started to cry. I have felt that way so often. So instead I just try to affect change.
time goes by. missing him doesn't.
Jake is growing into such an amazing little person. He gets me.
Emily is becoming a beautiful young woman who is my dearest friend and also calls me on my shit.
AJ is my buddy forever and ever.
Nathan cuddles with me. I suppose all that should be enough. it isn't.