I've fallen through a wormhole into the Land of Disrespect

it's sensationally odd to have landed in the Land of Disrespect.  I've had an unusually long career, having started in this business so young..and I have never experienced this level of disrespect and disregard. it is absolutely jarring, unnerving, wrong.  I find myself journaling (by hand!) during rehearsal in order to purge some thoughts.  here's an excerpt:

...if I laugh when she says something cute I then feel like I shouldn't laugh because I am not the intended audience.  OMG this silence and exclusion is exhausting.  around 4:30 pm I laughed rather loudly at something the Music Director said and then felt completely self conscious, inappropriate etc.  It was REALLY funny. But again, my laughter isn't really welcomed.  I felt foolish and as if I had awakened in the wrong room. that makes me want to cry. so much energy wasted on a very tough room. 

then from another day:

...nothing that I do is right.  Trying not to be interruptive still seems interruptive to me.  Signaling 5 min. til break she finds startling. waiting til it is actually time to break and just saying so seems to bother her as well.  this is a no win. How about NO BREAKS AT ALL??????????

I want a t shirt that says "I can't , my feet are bound."

This work experience, this creative project/endeavor is so POLAR OPPOSITE to the one I just completed. One that I will never forget. Having the opportunity to provide two terrific actors with their professional debuts is so rewarding. the entire cast was perfection.The experience of directing SPEECH & DEBATE at Gablestage was fantastic. Joyful, funny, artful, challenging, skillful, delightful, insane and like magic. I am so fortunate to have had that, particularly as juxtaposed with the current misery. I cling to it, like a child to it's blanket.